How to be a big, dumb, sexy human
Dear readers, I feel like my last few entries have been somewhat introspective and thought-provoking. And as much as I’d always like to churn out high-quality ‘thinkers’, there are weeks I just don’t have it in me. Weeks my brain feels broke. This is one of those weeks. I’m disappointed in myself even though I know it’s impossible to always be ON.
Or is it?
As a woman who during the majority of the week is horny and ‘feeling herself’, I am constantly walking around in a perpetual state of ON. Not in that annoying, comedian way of testing material in what you thought were genuine conversations but in that ‘I am single, sexy, and YOU BETTER REALIZE IT’ way.
It’s a sick game I play with myself and if you ever see me walking down the street, know there is always a sexy, downtempo, electronic, ambient beat playing in my head. I walk around waiting for someone to snatch me up and put me in their music video.
But, man, proving to the world how god damn sexy I feel can be exhausting! Especially when it comes to those situations where sexy doesn’t play a part. Those situations which remind me, oh right, I am a big, dumb human.
I often wonder what the bad guys in movies and television look like when they’re not being bad. When they’re tying their shoes, taking a shit, waking themselves up with their own fart, paying the person who delivers their food to their bad guy dens (any smart bad guy knows not to use an app delivery service). They don’t show these moments in the movies, just as I try hard not to show my own unsexy vulnerability.
I know it’s impossible not to be human, not to show vulnerability but I have decided, screw it, let’s take those moments that strip us of our confidence and make them sexy. Here are some of the humanizing moments from my week (and maybe yours) and what you can do to make them ON moments. If you can’t beat em, join em...while wearing a red lip.
Picking up dog shit
Why this is unsexy: Shit. Hand.
Make it sexy: Bend over slowly and with purpose, make eye contact with anyone watching, wink
Making more than 1 attempt to zipper jacket
Why this is unsexy: Lack of hand eye coordination, even a toddler can do it
Make it sexy: Every time you miss, look up, giggle and squeak ‘Oopsy!’
Carrying lunch to work in a plastic bag
Unsexy: Bulky, possible leakage, proof you’re not a sweetgreen person
Make it sexy: Swing bag in step with your walk, throw over shoulder, match your outfits with bag (eg. Target bag, wear red!)
Accidentally opening microwave on someone else’s food in the work cafeteria
Why this is unsexy: You’re not eating sweetgreen
Make it sexy: Tell the person whose food it is you liked what you saw, wink
Getting stuck in a turtleneck
Why this is unsexy: You can’t breathe
Make it sexy: Embrace erotic asphyxiation
Trying to count exact change when making a purchase
Why this is unsexy: Pennies
Make it sexy: Do it while tying a cherry stem in your mouth
Getting off at the wrong subway stop and then immediately getting back on
Why this is unsexy: Seeing people you thought you thought you’d never see again
Make it sexy: Announce to everyone “New York, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" and then faint
Very obviously trying to figure out which way the blue dot is moving on your GPS
Why this is unsexy: You can’t read a map
Make it sexy: Vogue
You fall asleep on train and jerk yourself awake
Why this is unsexy: Drool, whiplash
Make it sexy: Playfully punch the shoulder of the person next to you and say ‘Babe, I don’t snore!’
Getting X-rays at the dentist
Why this is unsexy: Didn’t you get X-rays last time? Are you getting scammed? Will insurance cover these?
Make it sexy: Stick your tits out
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